Mall of the Emirates

With my list of needed items typed into my phone, I got on the bus to the mall. A conversation with the driver painted an interesting picture of how free time is spent in Dubai. I told him I was surprised the bus went to the mall three times a day and that my school in America only does that one day a semester and on that day, the bus only goes one time. He said he drives the route three times a day, five days a week, all semester. Shopping, it seems, is big here.

This suspicion was confirmed when we approached the mall. Signage stretches for miles, pinpointing the malls location so that everyone who is even remotely interested in shopping is sure to find it. After some impressive maneuvering, the driver pulled to the curb and said, "My friend, I will see you back here at 5 o'clock" I concurred and stepped off the bus. It was then I realized It was 1:00. I had 4 hours at the mall.

For the men reading this, 4 hours at the mall has the fun-quotient of 8 hours of unanesthetized surgery, 0.5 seconds of watching SportsCenter, 6 hours at the nail-salon or 12 hours of talking about feelings. In short, the mall is man's least-preferred way to spend time. However, the Mall of the Emirates is different. No, it doesn't have a beer-factory and no, semi-nude girls don't appear at your side when you walk through the doors. There isn't a free movie theater showing Eastwood flicks 24/7 and there aren't any red meat dispensers lining the walls. What this mall does offer though, is indoor skiing and huge foodcourts (note the plural). While I only took advantage of the latter, I offset this by buying cheap stuff. Guys typically don't like to buy things at all but there are times when its absolutely necessary to do so. Drying off with a dirty t-shirt sucks so I bought towels. Sleeping on a questionably stained mattress also sucks so I bought sheets and a pillow. Laptop speakers suck so I bought speakers.

Other things that are bad that I fixed at the mall
- Not having a phone
- Not having enough electrical outlets
- Not having a cable for the internet
- Being hungry

Most of these things, I fixed by going to Carrefour, or the Middle East's answer to Walmart. Places like this are called hypermarkets because hypermarket sounds cooler than supermarket. I like this. It avoids the pretension of American supermarkets that have downgraded to the simple term of "market". If you only sell one item, you are a market. If you sell lots of things, that's super. You are a supermarket. If you sell so many things, your customer's children behave like wildmen (ie: hyper), you are a hypermarket.

Realizing that Carrefour is the size of a Walmart and is situated inside of a mall gives a sense of how big the Mall of the Emirates is. With all that space, ironies abound. The 'Smoker's Centre' is next to the 'Health Centre'. There is a Cold Stone Creamery upstairs and a knock-off, Marble Slab Creamery downstairs. Marc Jacobs and Burberry have children's stores. No issue with Fridays as the Islamic day of rest, here. The mall is open seven days a week. Maybe this is because there are men's and women's mosques upstairs. After all, how could anyone get to them if the mall was closed? If the doors must be open for that, might as well open the rest of the mall.

The crown jewel of the Mall of the Emirates, and the part most people will recognize, is the indoor ski-slope. From the outside, the slope looks like a massive ramp, ready to launch a very large something into low-earth orbit. Inside, it looks like... well, a ski-slope. There is a place to purchase lift tickets, rent skis, buy (not rent) ski clothes, and to put everything on. Once inside, there is a snow park for kids and families and a learn-to-ski area. Classes are available. Where the whole thing looked immense from the outside, from inside it is tiny. It takes about 60 seconds to get from top to bottom. I'll stick to White Pass, thanks.